smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
