So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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