Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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