Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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