Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
