Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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