It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
