I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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