i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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