That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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