Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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