NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
