I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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