Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
