Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish my penis had an off switch
this boner is exhausting
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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