Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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