so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
