They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
