How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
