i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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