you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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