i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
