I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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