the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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