you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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