I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
