I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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