you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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