And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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