It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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