i think my tv is drunk
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
