You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
