so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
