According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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