Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
