I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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