Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
