I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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