white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
