I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
