piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
