Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
