needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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