well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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