saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
