an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
