why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
