im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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