He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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