yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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