i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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