I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
