i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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