she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
