God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
