It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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